Happy birthday Xing Cha BOR~

K its like 230 am in the morning of national day, I'm so excited that i can't sleep. Yes who am i kidding. I'm currently talking to Gary and reading my past post. Gary, is a very very sad dude, his love life is simply, heart wrenching , thus me being the very kind me gave him a motivation session and some very very sound tips.

Then I was looking at my previous blog and Zzz, i can't help it but felt disgusted with all the grammatical errors and poor vocab. Ok i'm not saying I'm all English teacher now and all but hmm, i though i could at least salvage it ab it by re-editing one of the post. XD

Tuesday, December 21, 2004:.
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To you,

By the time you are reading this,you might have known alot of things already, how ever there might be still some stuff that i've kept to myself..

Its been such a long time.. I've waited.. I've hid around ur shadows ,I hurt and got hurt for you,through all these years. Do you remember,the bottle i gave to you on your 13th birthday,together with the pooh card.. hur hur. Its the first present i had gave to any girl. Yeap, i'd alot of first time with you.That day when we broke up, i was waiting outside the gate for you. There was a slight drizzle, i though u might not have brought any umbrella along , silly me. I decided only to enter the school when xw told me to..Again,that is a dumb move . Maybe u think that its nothing, but at that time, i really wanted to send you home with that umbrella.

August 25 th, the day you broke up with me,I will always remember this date .I'ld always reminiscence on the memories we had . The first time i saw you cry, I felt a sudden urge to ask why and who made you cry and all. How ever , i never did , I guess i was too late to ask. Some one else did.

Then, you and i stopped talking for awhile yea?By then you were with xw. I got to know that through Irvin. However xw eventually told me about the relationship both of you are having . Hur Hur, for the first time I felt so much pain going through me at that time..I don't know , i know i would be jealous,but it was far from that.Its more then jealousy,but i kept every thing to myself.I didn't want any one to know that i still like you . I didn't wanted to put a Xw on the spot .

I began telling xw stuffs about you, what you like and stuffs like that. Well I did that for a simple reason actually, that is to see you happy with him.I wanted him to give you things I couldn't give,love that i can't fulfill,I didn't think much then.Then i saw you drenched in melancholy.I hated him , i knew its not your fault,but he denied all responsibilities and till now i still have doubts on forgiving him. Yea, I'm very small air(petty).

On my 14Th birthday,you and him gave me a car(well , its a miniature model, but a car is still car )and i still keep it with me. That was the first present you gave to me. i sorta really treasure that yellow car. It is also on my 14th birthday that i made a wish that i could be with you again. Hur hur, childish i would say ,the wish never came true.

Christmas that year,I received a Christmas card from you, I'm looking at it now. It looks simple, but I can't explain to you the joy I had when i received it. I was like jumping up and down. Lol. Then we started sending each other letters too which I'm also reading now.As i read them one by one , i felt my heart ache more,i don't know why.

Then we began talking again,its like a miracle . I could still remember how i rush back home from sch and stared at my phone waiting for you to call me.At that time i was more talkative, so we managed to talk alot. With all of that,I build up enough courage to ask you for your hand again.However when I saw your conversation with Stella,I was demoralised.I felt like an idiot.Thus ,I decided not to tell you anything and all.However ,Chong Hoe went to tell you every thing i guess,thus in the end.. it still went back to you rejecting me.

I remembered telling you this lame joke about my heart having the same fate as the goat's heart Annan(the bio teacher) was telling us to slice up.It was funny , how ever with every word i typed my heart felt like its being sliced, over and over again.

We stopped talking for awhile again after that. Then u were with laren u knew from the ice ring. Mm, I bet you didn't know that when u were all ice skating and all.I was rollerblading!I borrowed a pair of roller blades and i started to learn how to blade.I thought of this concept that roller blading is the same as ice skating. I am a slow learner thus i kept falling, but the each time i fell, the thought of me being able to join you all to ice skate made me not give up, until eventually... all of you stopped ice skating.

I guessed the both of you broke off eventually too, that is what i guessed though. I began to try to talk to you again, I've put in plenty of efforts to get into a conversation with you . One of the things i did was to harm a very good friend of mine,Jm. Remember that day i said i like Jm when she was at your house? I knew that you were all watching what i type,but i continued.I kinda want everyone to divert their attention to me and Jm rather then the both of us, In order for me to talk to you more comfortably. It was unfair for Jm, but we manged to talk again, didn't we?

Do you remember there was this time when we cycled together ? It lit a spark again and we began doing more tings together again. You told me you wanted to slim down, thus we began jogging .Every time you asked me to jog with you , i'ld jump into my pt kit no matter i am sick.. nt sick.. tired or not tired.. busy or not busy.. hurt or not hurt.. There was a time i jogged with you with a sprained ankle. I had a hard time hiding the pain how ever,i did all that as i wanted to go jog with you,I wanted to be with you.

MM, remember the promise that i won't eat sotong again ?? Tell you a secret,i broke the promise!On purpose !That day, jp, u and me, we went to have lunch at gr.I wanted to see if you still remember,thus i ordered sotong in my meal.Its something i haven't had for a long time, but i don't think u seemed to be bothered at all,thus i ate my sotong sadly.

Then I watched my first movie with you. Princess dairy 2. Hur hur, i've got to say that i didn't understand much of that show.In fact,I thought it was pretty lame actually.How ever , i didn't mind that as I get to watch a movie with you. km knows about me holding a torch for you,so i guess he purposely seated us together. I know you were pissed , but Km was persistent, sorry.

Then, it was finally prom night. You looked the best on that day from the other times i saw you during this 1241 days(1241x24=29784 hours,29784X60=1787040minutes,1787040x60=107222400 seconds). I kept stealing glances at you from my table till ct asked me why am I staring at him. There was a dedication to you then saying that he love you so much right? or something like that.. I was heart broken when i heard that,cause it was not dedicated by me.

At the chalet,What else can i say, so much happened. I did had the chance to express my feelings to you at that time actually, but ,i didn't.I was afraid that things wouldn't be the same after i told you how i feel. I'm filled with regret now.Jm hated me for that.Below is what i wanted to say during the chalet.

As you open the brown package,you'll find the letters and cards you've sent to me . I treated them as treasures before and now I am returning all of them back to you.


Now,i guessed, that is it.I wasted my chance, I hated myself for it. Words can't describe my feelings now, its such a joke, its the same person who broke the news to me.Great, You and him must be happy now, all those sweet talks and stuffs.

I shall not lie to myself why you wouldn't reply to my msges .

I should not lie to myself why you would suddenly become moody

I should not lie to myself why you won't talk with me on the phone the you and him did

I should not lie to myself that i can hide this all forever...

I should not feel motivated again to work cause I said that I am going to take care of you ...

I shall not lie that I could get closer to you by jogging with you ..

I shall not lie that by helping you , You would appreciate it..

I shall forget about all the tings that happened in the chalet for it seemed significant for you ...

I shall forget the times i walked with you to school..

I shall think that I deserved to be scolded by my boss and customers cause i rushed through work to make time for u ..

I shall not wait for you in the middle of the night and try to sneak out of the house just to go fetch u from work

I shall not be worried that u would be stalked..

I shall not think that you remember all the things we did together..

I shall think that all these are my own doings.. and I am to be blame for all that had happened during all this time that i did every ting for you ......

For the second time and the last time Calin..I cried for you(0038 hours GMT Singapore ). Sorry for making you go through all this.I don't want you to apologise nor show appreciation.The best present you gave to me this Christmas was the chance to sent you home, to your door steps,i don't expect anything more, all i want to say is , thank you for every thing.

J.c
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.:jooncheen Iced 12/21/2004 11:59:00 PM:.

ARGH!!!! I'm like editing and laughing my ass off in the middle of the night ar. Patrick complained that he can't be efficient in his work now. ARGH!!!Its so much better now as compared to the previous one la. Jeeze.... This is seriously good entertainment and good way to kill time and KILL EMONESS~!!!!! WKKAKAKAKA. Now , i'll start laughing at my sister and bro even more!Blardy Emo secondary school days ~